Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Barry Allen's Weight Loss Plan!

Grodd has abandoned his gorilla body, and possessed the body of a boring old human.

But he still has mad science skills!


The result?

Jeez, he's almost as big as I am!!

At least Fat Barry is a cautionary tale for other Central City residents!

And fortunately for Barry, Central City's favorite snack is...

...dehydrated potatoes??!?!

When Barry Allen sits around the dehydrating room, he really...oh, you know the punchline.

Maybe it's just the modern re-coloring, but man, it sure looks the Flash is sweating butter!

Still, it works (!!), and de-monkeyfied Grodd lasts about one micro-second.

And Barry seems to feel he can now eat as much as he wants, as long as the dehydrated potato plant is in town!

From Flash #115 (1960)

The Menace Of The Maple Leaves!!

Great cover:

Also, great cover blurb!!

And for once, the cover is 100% accurate!

See?

It turns out in Generic Town, USA, there's a grove of trees that no one will cut down!

Why? Let's ask the oldest geezer that we can find!






Well, that's a pretty good ghost story, but that's all it was...until Hobo Namor a nameless tramp almost set the trees on fire!




That was enough to deter anyone from cutting those trees.

Anyone, that is, except for rugged capitalist Mike Stone!


But things don't go so well...



Wait--wouldn't dynamiting them destroy the wood hat you're trying to harvest? Wasn't that the point of the whole operation??

Meanwhile, in a seemingly unrelated plot development, Mike buys a suit! Just because!!


But maple trees have no time for clothes shopping!






Holy shit!!!

But...

Boo! I'm blaming the Comics Code for that lame cop-out!

And so...

And that was the last time the Maple Leafs were ever perceived as a threat...

[Yes, I know that is  cheap and inaccurate joke. The Maple Leafs were quite good in the 60s. But really, it's only hockey, so who cares...?]

From Strange Suspense Stories #33 (1957)

Monday, August 21, 2017

Manic Monday Triple Overtime--Goodbye, City Life?!?

Look, I know all about the needs of corporate advertising tie-ins, marketing television shows, yada yada.

And I especially know and accept that these cross-media affairs are by no means canonical, and certainly are not required to 100% accurately reflect the "true" nature of the characters being borrowed.

Still, this ad has been on the back covers of Marvel titles this month:

Well, I don't doubt that Luke Cage would enjoy a tiny bit of the dude ranch life.

And really, the ad is worth it just to see Daredevil in dungarees.

I'm not sure why Iron Fist is running around in what my non-comic friend likes to call his "gay pirate" costume. But the cowboy boots are a nice touch, and hey, billionaires can wear what they want, right?

But really, in a million years you could never convince me that...

...ANY icarnaton of Jessica Jones would EVER look so overjoyed to be hanging out at a ranch, let alone let herself get dolled up like that.

Just sayin'...

Manic Monday Bonus--The Swift And Lethal Justice of Fawcett City!

The Big Red Cheese has thwarted the con game of Ahmi The Swami, who was scamming rich folk out of money by pretending to let them communicate with dead relatives.

Well, as the saying goes, Hell hath no fury like a swami scorned . So fa few nights later...


Oko-Moko-Loko!!!

And the next morning...








Well, mild spoiler alert, the Swami is actually the one who shot the guy...but thanks to the hypnosis, Marvel doesn't remember any of it!




After a brief escape, Billy decides to turn himself in!


Wait...a "few days" later?!? Good gravy, that's fast.

So, it's curtains for Captain Marvel!!


Oh, yeah, there's that invulnerability thing...

But this is not one of those cheap and inaccurate stories where a failed execution attempt means the convicted goes free...

Life? Gee, I wonder how long Marvel lives in his Marvel form...

Well, the Captain makes one more escape, to seek advice from the Shazam. The wizard, though, is kind of a dick here, and refuses to give him any more than this cryptic clue:

Big help there, wiz.

But Billy does have the Wisdom of Solomon, and Shazam's clue is enough to let Marvel know that the swami must be involved.

That same wisdom of Solomon tells Marv that the best way to get the truth....is to beat the crap out of him!!


And so, today we've learned that a) you can hypnotize Billy/Captain Marvel; b) justice is exceedingly swift in Fawcett City--convicted only a few days after turning yourself in?!?; c) You can't execute Captain Marvel--at least by normal human means; d) Shazam is a dick; and e) Fawcett City judges will accept confession even when they know it was coerced by physical beatings.

From Captain Marvel Adventures #15 (1942)